Dear Beastie,

I love you dearly. You know I do. But we need to chat.

First of all, I swear those strangers who keep coming into our house and whisking away our furniture are not burglars. They are giving us money (and lots of it!) in return for those crappy bookcases, futons, etc. And in a few weeks when we move into our new home, we will have brand-new shiny furniture for you to cover in dog hair. So you can stop barking at them and throwing yourself prostrate on the floor when I refuse to allow you to eat them. (Or lick them to death, more likely.)

Secondly, I don’t know if it’s the stress or the heat or what…but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY stop waking me up three times in the night to go pee. It’s bad enough having to get up for work at 4am two days in a row without having my five hours of sleep interupted over and over. All the coffee in the world isn’t helping today, and I’m pretty sure I could lay down on the floor right now and fall right to sleep.

Your attention to these requests would be greatly appreciated and should result in a restored sense of harmony in our home.